Matthew 1:18-19 - Marriage, Divorce, Bastards, and Jesus' first lesson

***Preface/Warning***
Some of the material in this post may be too spiritually mature for some audiences.  The information in this post is meant to add meaning to the each person's relationship with God.  It is not in any way meant to *change* a person's relationship with God or their convictions.  Many of the things said in this post are Pre-Christ and not reflective of current church or religious beliefs.  There is subject matter dealing with pre-marital sex.  I want to be forward and say that I am not an advocate of pre-marital sex.  The vulnerable audience to this post may be Single Christian Males.  It is VERY important that if you are in this demographic that you hold onto the teachings of the new testament and what gets you closer to god.  Do not take anything from this post as doctrine.  It is merely background story to build a better foundation.


Introduction:
In this section, I am going to cover four things that may be hard to swallow:

• Laws for marriage
• Laws for pre-marital sex and out-of-wedlock babies
• Laws for Divorce
• Jesus teaches us his first lesson.

Matthew 1:18-19 

"This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly."

There is a lot behind these scriptures.  Not as much as the genealogy list (gratefully), however now we get to see what it looked like to get married and divorced at that time.  

Quickly, I will put down the silly notions of what I believ-ED of marriage at that time, based on this scripture and my background in church:

• Marriage was an act similar to purchasing property.  It was very important that a woman was a virgin (Mary or not) prior to marriage.  Fathers kept their girls locked up until they were pledged to be married.
• Joseph was divorcing Mary because he was ashamed of her.  

First, Let's look at Marriage:

Shawn Wooten did a great job of defining a Marriage with Jesus in this lesson:
http://www.seattlechurchofchrist.org/2010/08/15/shawn-wooten-fan-into-flame/

It is a very good message and I would highly advise listening to it.  In the lesson he talks about the "marriage process" in that time, and correlates it to our marriage with Jesus.  When I first approached this Matthew study, I intended to use this lesson as an example of the Marriage process in Jesus time.


At the bride's house the young man would do three very important things:-

• He would make a covenant with the bride - an actual contract.

•  He would drink a cup of wine with her which sealed the contract.

• He would pay a price for her. 
• He was going to leave her for a long time and go back to his father's house. He was going to build a bridal chamber for her, a place where they would have their first coming together in marriage (modern honeymoon)
• The groom would have to finish the chamber and have it approved by his father. 
• During this time the bride waited with dignity. She would wear her veil whenever she went out, in order that some other young man would not try to initiate a contract with her
• It was an "abduction". The bride was "stolen" from her house. She would be waiting with her bridesmaids and her sisters and whoever she wanted to take in the wedding party with her, and they would all have oil in their lamps in case the groom did choose to come at night. 

It is a great lesson for current studies.  Unfortunately, I found a flaw with using it to reference my studies.  It's not true.  It references the lessons of Jesus and New Testament scriptures.  The problem is that the New Testament did not exist at the time of Mary and Joseph's marriage. Correlating what a Jewish marriage should look like to our marriage with Christ to explain Joseph and Mary's wedding is flawed:  Jesus and the new testament are not available to me to use...as they didn't exist at the time of Joseph and Mary.  

Shortly after realizing this; I came across the very lesson that he taught online:
http://www.biblebelievers.org.au/marriage.htm

So I am now at a point in which I realize that I am going to have to reset my research method.  But have no fear, I now have a new tool at my disposal that I had never previously used before.  If I want to look at the ceremony and process of marriage and divorce, I should go straight to the source and read the same requirements that Mary and Joseph knew:  That of the Talmud.  For more information, see my post about hebrew texts HERE. 

Gratefully the Talmud has a vast amount of rules and regulations for marriage and divorce that we can use to identify the real issues in that time.

...and oddly enough, the Jewish law is probably more liberal than you would believe.  Christians tend to make Jewish marriage sound stuffy and drab and lacking in love.  Surprisingly, there are fewer rules and requirements in the Talmud for marriage than there are in modern Christian churches.

Here are some important notes about Marriage.  You may find some inconsistencies with what you currently believe marriage looked like in their time:

• There are 2 stages of Marriage:
• Shidukhin (Engagement)
• Badekin (Ceremony):  Contains the following elements:
• Kiddushin (Sanctification) which is the betrothal 
• Nissu'in: The actual ceremony
• The woman stays with Parents up until the actual ceremony.

• A woman is given 3 ways to begin the Shidukhin process:
• Money
• Mishnah states at least a copper coin
• It is a gift.  You are not purchasing the bride.  To purchase a bride implies that the bride can be re-sold and has a given value.
• The gift is a dowlry, not a "price".
• Contract
• A contract gets written that the Husband will financially support the bride.
• enough bread for at least 2 meals a day
• sufficient oil for cooking and for lighting purposes
• sufficient wood for cooking
• fruits and vegetables
• wine, if it is customary in the locality
• three meals on each shabbat
• a silver coin each week
• Sexual intercourse
• The man and woman must meet sexually at least once prior to marriage.  If either one is repulsed then the marriage is forbidden.
• Sex is no different than hunger or thirst or other basic instincts.  It is important to fulfill, but should be controlled.
• A man "spilling his seed" anywhere other than the intended place is guilty of breaking the law and severely punished by God.  They reference Onan to reinforce this law.  That is why it is important to get married and important to be attracted to your wife.

Reference

Here are some important points:

• Normally all 3 ways are satisfied prior to marriage (even the sex), however only one is necessary.
• A woman can only be acquired with her consent.  (Kiddushin 2b v7)  There are no forced marriages under the law.
• Husband must provide wife with food, clothing and sex as well as anything else in the contract.
• Sexual relations are not a man's right.  They are the women's right, and her satisfaction is required.
• Up to 1000AD, a man can marry more than one wife.  Polygamy was not common, however it was not looked down upon.  No rabbis were mentioned to have more than one wife.  Even After Jesus' ministry, Polygamists were not looked down upon.  The only rule about polygamy is towards Church leaders; which was to keep in track of Rabbi's at that time.
• Women's property remains her property, however the man now "manages" it.

So looking at this, it free's up a lot of "Stifled" feelings surrounding marriage.  It is more than likely that most marriages were out of love.  They were not "Property purchases" that involve trading cows and a depressed bride as many people try to make it sound.  It is also quite possible that it was more like today, in which Bride/Bridegroom saw each other several times during synagogue, shopping, work, etc.  Nobody was barred from seeing each other during the marriage process.

Sex in the Jewish law:
This article will state how the Jews percieve sex better than I can:
http://www.jewfaq.org/sex.htm
-I would definately consider reading it, as it is quite interesting to compare Jewish laws in Talmudic times to current times.

Children born out of wedlock:

I have historically known children to be born out of wedlock to be called bastards.  In fact, I think that is the first thing I knew about Jesus is that he was a bastard.  Sounds very demeaning, doesn't it?  It feels demeaning to type out.  The fact of the matter is that children born out of wedlock in the Talmud are not bastards.  They are not frowned upon by society or the law the way they are in modern days.  

In Modern days there is a taboo for children born out of wedlock.  Whether it is admitted or not, culture has a distaste and judgement for parents of children born out of wedlock and a "sadness" for the children themselves.

Under Talmudic law, the only "bastard" (or mamserim) is when a child is born from an illegal marriage or adulterous partner.  A child born out of wedlock has no taboo as a bastard.  If mom has sex with another partner, then that child is a mamserim.  But if a man and a woman have a child out of wedlock, it is not a mamserim.  Despite modern belief, Joseph and Mary had nothing to hide if they had concieved the child prior to marriage.

This is an important point.  If Jesus were a regular baby brought about by pre-marital sex then neither the rabbi's, the culture, Joseph, Mary, or their friends and family would not have any "social norm" problem with it.  Joseph was not divorcing Mary to save face because he was afraid.  *If* they did conceive the baby prior to marriage, it wouldn't have been looked down upon.  This is a modern church misconception. 

So the big question...Why did he choose to try to divorce her?

Lets look at the reasons for divorce...

Divorce:

Let's look at what the Talmud says about divorce.  Fasten your seat belts because it is probably a bit different than you expected:

• Under Jewish law, a man can divorce his wife for any reason or no reason at all.  He can divorce her because she spoiled his dinner or because he finds another woman more attractive.
• A woman's consent is not required in a divorce
• If a woman commits adultry, a man is REQUIRED to divorce her, even if he forgives her. Even if they work things out, their marriage is now illegal.
• A man is required to pay a large severance package to the wife when he divorces her. 
• A man can not re-marry his ex-wife if she has remarried.
• Divorce is completed by a husband handing his wife a bill of divorce (sefer k'ritut) and sending her on her way.
• It is not required for the husband to hand the bill to his wife.  He can have a messenger do it.
• Only the husband can initiate a divorce.
• Rabbis and the court can require a husband to divorce his wife:
• If a husband is physically repulsive 
• If he violates his obligations (food, clothing, sex)
• If there is sexual incompatibility

Note that the wife still doesn't initiate the divorce, but the court forces the husband to divorce her.  The woman can not initiate a divorce.

There is one outlying issue with the rabbinic laws of marriage.  If the husband disappears.  If he deserts his wife there is no way for him to initiate a divorce which leaves the wife "anchored" (agunah).  The court can not let her remarry because the husband may return some day.  To this day it has not been resolved.

What does this all mean?

Take a minute and look at the highlighted points.  This will help us understand the scriptures much more.

• Joseph and Mary is a love story.  They loved and cared for each other very much.
• Joseph still loved Mary and would probably continue to.
• This is shown because he did not want her to face public disgrace.  
• He still wanted to protect her and her reputation. 
• Joseph was 100% convinced the baby was not his.
• There are no laws against pre-marital sex.  
• Joseph had NOTHING to hide if he and Mary had pre-marital sex and concieved the child.  
• He was willing to stand by his conviction that the child was not his, despite no reason not to.
• Joseph knew they would be forced to get a divorce.
• "Joseph was faithful to the law..."  
• He knew that the rabbi's would require them to get a divorce.  It was the law.  Even though he still loved Mary, he would be forced to divorce her.
• In order for Joseph to "Please God" and "Get to Heaven" he had to follow the word of God.
• Joseph was an honest and God fearing man
• He could have very easily said, "OK, it is our baby" and there would be no issue...but that is a lie, and he would not lie in front of God.
• He was dead-set on telling the truth and being pleasing to God in the best way he knew fit:  Following the law and being honest.

I make those points to show that Joseph is not a one-dimensional character in the bible who is shallow and just wanted to divorce his wife because he was angry at her.  That is the conception that I and so many people have of Joseph, and most likely it is not true.

Joseph was trying to do good by God by following the law of Moses that God himself allowed to be written to get to Heaven to divorce Mary.  It is what he was taught that God requires. He shows that he still loves her by protecting her from the public, but he still wants to do what God requires of him.  It is quite possible that he would even marry her and raise the child himself even if it wasn't his.   

...But he was a follower of God.  Unfortunately EVERYTHING that he knew of the law of God told him that if he wanted to get to heaven, he had to a) Do not lie and B)Divorce her.  I don't believe that he wanted to divorce her, but he had no choice.  He could either lie in front of God, or he could disobey the talmudic laws.  It was a double-edged sword.

Even before Jesus was born, he is causing conflict with the Rabbinic laws and changing people's idea of how God looked at them.  

The Takeaways:

1)We CAN NOT look at characters in the bible as one-dimensional figures.  They had real conflict and real struggles in Conviction.  I say again that I feel that every scripture in the new testament is there for a reason.  

2)If you walk your Christian Life in a way in which you do things "Because you were told to", or because "That is how it is written" you may fall into the same trap as many other people in the Bible.  God's #1 command is "Love God and Each other".  This is more important to him than anything written down. Joseph loved Mary and struggled with doing what the law told him to do and loving his wife.  What does God ultimately want?  Stay tuned for the next scripture...

We are 18 scriptures into the Gospel.  Jesus is still in the womb and hasn't been named.  Examine your own reactions to these scriptures.  They may be something like mine:  "Divorcing her is mean (even if it's the written way to get to God)", "loving her is good".  

...Jesus just preached his first sermon from the womb.  Did you hear it?